these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
