You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
