Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
