I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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