hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
