I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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