i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
