So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
