We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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