Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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