I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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