I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
