shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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