you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
