def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
