I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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