well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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