Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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