Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My bed smells like the plague
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
