I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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