my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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