You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
being pregnant is like rehab
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
