highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
