dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
