My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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