So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
