I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
