I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she looked like the before picture.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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