I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
