im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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