Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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