can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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