I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
