haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
