did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
