I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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