We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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