the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
