I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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