Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
