i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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