Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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