Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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