I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
