I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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