Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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