ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
organizing the empties. That sober.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just want nice things and good sex
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
