I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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