Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
