Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
